I am in a vortex of obligation.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
