just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
