apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
