Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The air taste purple.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
