Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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