you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
