I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
