Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
