eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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