My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
