Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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