You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
So many bounce houses so little time
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
