just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
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