I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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