Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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