Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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