I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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