I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
