Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
