I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
