My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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