So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
