I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
