life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
