evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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