Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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