whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
