literally had 100 drinks last night.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
