dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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