We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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