Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
