I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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