he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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