so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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