I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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