That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she pinky promised me she was 18
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Randomize
