keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
