eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
