marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
