Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I cannot find my penis.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Slut skills are useful in every country.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
