I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
