Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
