got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
