We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
