I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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