Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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