Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
