dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
