We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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