chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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