There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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