Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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